Accepting the parts of ourselves we don't like - Internal Family Systems (IFS)

It is so easy to define who we are by our current and most common feelings, thoughts, and behaviours, but we are so much more than that. Just like our family or friendship groups are made up of different people who take on different roles, so are we. Take a minute to think about the dynamics in your family or friendship groups. Perhaps someone takes the role of the caretaker, or the comedian, or the organiser. Maybe you see this side of them most often, but this is not all they are. Likewise, you are not just one thing; instead, we are made of different parts that appear at different times. This doesn’t mean we can’t change these parts, instead, it means we don’t have to identify or reduce ourselves to them. Instead, let’s be curious about when, why, how, and with whom these parts show up.

When we think about ourselves as parts, this can stop us from perceiving and reducing ourselves to adjectives, labels, or behaviours. This paradigm, called Internal Family Systems, makes it easier for us to be curious rather than judgmental. Seeing that we are not the “bad” thing we did or the snappy mood we are in makes it easier to be kinder to ourselves, maintain perspective, and attend to these difficult parts that we may otherwise reject or deny.

You are not lazy or useless because you stayed in bed all day. Let’s be curious about that part—perhaps it is hurt, burnt out, or unmotivated. What does that part need? Compassion, understanding, and curiosity are good places to start. It is so easy for the critical part of you to try and bully the “lazy” part. Even if this does work it's at the cost of reinforcing your negative self-talk and potentially dismissing the part of you that needs your attention. But let’s be curious and compassionate to that critical part too. At the core, that part is trying to help you, albeit not in the kindest way. So, we can be appreciative of its intention while also saying, "Hey, I get that you’re trying to do what’s best for me, and I appreciate that, but there’s a kinder way we can practice getting things done." Remember, this critical part is hurting too—it can sense there is a conflict with what you’re doing and what you want to be doing. Let’s be curious about this part instead of demonising it. Where did you learn to speak to yourself like that? Why has this part been around for so long? What does this part need?

It can feel unnatural and confusing to start to think of yourself this way, especially when you have identified with one part for so long. Be curious about the parts of you that are showing up for you as you read this. Is there a skeptical or anxious part that shows up? Is it hopeful or motivated? Whichever it is, stay with it for a few minutes. Find out what it needs.

Key Points

• Who you are is not reduced to the parts of you that you dislike or that show up most often. You are so much more than your hurt and pain.

• Parts of you that you might dislike or that conflict with your wants need your attention, curiosity, and compassion.

• Let your therapist know if there is a part of you that you want to bring to therapy.

• There may be parts of you that you haven't even met yet or that you want to develop - what do they need to show up more often?

The creative part of me wants to end with a metaphor, but the perfectionist part is worried that it won’t resonate with everyone and keeps changing the metaphor that comes to mind. I’ve thanked the perfectionist for wanting to protect me from judgment and is trying to motivate me to find a better example. I’m modelling how I would like her to talk to me. I’ve asked her to step back and give my core Self—who cares about helping people—the space to write.

If a zip on your jacket is broken, or even if there’s a huge hole in it, the jacket doesn’t become the hole or the broken zip. It is still a jacket. You are still your core Self, even if part of you is a bit broken. Let’s not throw the whole jacket away. Let’s get it the help it needs.

References

Schwartz, R. C. (2021). No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model. Sounds True.

Schwartz, R. C. (1995). Internal Family Systems Therapy. Guilford Press.

Fisher, J. (2017). Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation. Routledge.